after a break

so long time since I last wrote here. School is over now, I only have a few exams and I'll finally be graduated. This is really scary, leaving school after 8 years, but it's good at the same time because I can leave my stupid classmates who always ignore me and who caused me those bad memories. My parents found out I'm sick/getting sick. My mom made me change my room and my bad habits like sitting in fron of my laptop for many hours...she thought it helped but it didn't help me at all, I still feel lost and messed up...then she took me to a psychiatrist ( well, I wasn't forced to go, but I thought why not? it can't be any worse) Vut I was wrong...it just made me feel even worse. She was talking about anorexia and asking me about how I'd describe my eating disorder, she absolutely made me feel like a fool and she wanted my parents to be in the room too, so it was embarassing as well.  and I refused to go back after few appointments. I'm gaining weight, not too much, but I got my period fully back :/ (why am I even writing it down?) but I really don't wanna gain back all the weight. Still wanna be skinny, but maybe I wanna be happy and balanced a little more. thans for reading

So mayn thoughts are in my mind, but none of them seems to lead me to the right way. After finally getting healthy, on Monday after theatre my mom told me something that made me feel miserable, about my legs and I that i won't be ever able to wear short skirts...made me (and I'm so ashamed of it) cut my thighs...and on Tuesday i had a fight with my dad...i mean i started shouting at him, cause he was checking what i eat..i hate when he does it...school makes me so stressed, i should take it much easier, but i can't.

I can't take it anymore!!! All of my friends are ignoring me! I'm such a loser. They all have better things to do than listening to my shit and seeing my shitty face...I've been at home lying sick in my bed. Nobody visited me, only one of my friend called me. They hate me! i hate myself too. I need to cut, maybe that would make me feel real again. I'm so weak and still sick, but i wanna go out, I can't stay at home anymore. And my mom thinks I'm still 5 years old. she can't let me grow up already!! that's so sick. she told me she wanted to have a little girl forever. That's why I'm a ruined monster.

Sick...unloved. confused. bored. So hopeless. I can't do anything well, I fuck up my life. nothing can make me feel alright again. especially not happy. I really don't know what to write. I'm not even sure i wanna go on losing weight anymore. it does not make me happier...mess

mom made me buy that stuff to get my original hair color again. now it's NOT the original but near...I ate too much cake on Saturday and too much fish for lunch today. My best friend told me that my new jeans make my tights look slimmer which I highly need...she is right, but it hurted, but i didn't show her it did. Wanna workout today but I'm too tired, maybe i will tho. I hate math!!I hate that I'm so dumb at it. and I history too, so boring. I hate school! and lol at my grandma who judges me behing my back to my mom... saying i should treat my dad better! are u kidding? so unfair..

only 1 meals a day in the last days/weeks...i tried to make myself vomit today after eating in Mc, but i couldn't....and after in the bathroom I couldn't eighter, what's wrong with me? :/ 2 days without cutting after the hips-harming day and I gotta look somehow or my P.E lesson tomorrow....my stomach hurts like hell, but i don't care. today was kinda good...

I've tried i really tried!! but i felt so bad after eating too much. I had to do it again. This is not normal, i know it right, I'm sick of myself. It hurts sooo fucking much, i want to disappear!