why?

Feel like eating all the time. It's always in my mind. And that i can't! always thinking about how to eat less...Does it make any sense? I mean my life...This fucking fight against weight is killing me. And i can't tlk about it. I feel so pathetic when i talk about it.I know this whole thing is not important but for me it is! Cause I hate the pics in which I look like a cow. I won't be loved looking like that. Oh well, Ive never been kissed, never! but why? cause I look terrible and maybe other reasons too. I hate myself so much.

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Terrible day. My stomach aches, my period came much before it was supposed to come. That sucks! It can be because I'm nervous all the time, according to my psichologist. I was at her in the 6th lesson. I was so down, cause my friends ignored me whole day, were really mean and really cruel!! Sometimes i don't like them at all. I don't wanna see them anymore! I know they have problems too, but it's not a way to solve! So the psichologyst told me i gotta go to a special therapy group or to a specialist who can prescribe me antidepressants...I think I'll choose the second. But I'm so scared. I didn't know I am this ill.. I wanna feel good again, i hate my biopolarsm. And I'm so ashamed of it. Thanks god I have this blog where i can share it.

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Where do I belong to? To my "friends in school" who never wanna meet me, never invited me to their homes? or to some other "friends" who are obsessed with something (I don't wanna mention it) that I really don't care about...so where?? I feel so fucking lonely, and everything on me hurts. I always feel pain inside and outside too. I'm nervous all the time. I stopped eating again. No breakfast and dinner at all, and trying to eat less lunch. I know it's stupid, but i can't enjoy food at all and then why??!

Saturday

So, It's almost the end of the autumn holiday. I don't say it was the best break ever but not the worst eighter. I will probably meet a boy tomorrow, and I'm so nervous,cause i have never met him before, I hope it will be okay. I have more worries: have to think about where to study after high school, and it's so not easy to decide, and my mom keeps talking about it all the time. This is so frustrating -.- I would like to go to an island for a while to have a little chill without worries, far from everything bad.

confused

It's so weird to feel nothing. Lying in the bed, waiting for only a hug or even a nice word, but what i get is nothing. I don't know what to do, I want to get out of everything, but I'm not brave enough to change.

Halloween and Tuesday

I really like Halloween, so it would have been great to go to a Halloween party. We decided to go to a big party, but right before going, my friend said she doesn't want to and there were other problems too, so we couldn't go. It made me really sad and angry, and I inveted my good friend (call her D). So, we had fun, watching movies and eating snacks and being just crazy all night till 3 am. And today I went tripping to the forest with parents. it was really good. I like being in nature, watching the trees, taking pics, walking, it'sl ike leaving my problems at home.