27th

I feel this big nothing inside me, this coldness at my heart. Ughhhhh this life is so meaningless. I'm invisible! I wanna be seen and especially heard. I try to make signs but nobody sees it, nobody that I'm struggling, HELP ME ME PLEASE :((

after holiday

Christmas was good, we had all the traditions. The best was Christmas Eve with mom and dad. But the 25th was kinda sad without my father. And my mom left me alone at home for hours, that made me so sad. The 26th was okay with the bigger family. Only my sister acted weird. She is so stupid! I ate too much in the last days, i need to stop. But right now it's so hard not to eat, but I'm trying. I feel so empty inside my heart. And I'm so scared.

23rd

I can't believe that my mom can't talk about anything else than my points for the universitry and my exams. It's almost Christmas! Let me forget this shit just for 3 days...i got really angry and sad.

party

The party was really wild. I danced with so many guys. I can't really remember cause I drank too much. But I remember that a boy called me slut. And he was right, i acted like a slut... And another man went way to far. He was so kind and i let him go far. I feel so weird about it now. But at least i wasn't shy with my classmates this time, maybe they like me more than before. Now i feel so sick and about to throw up, not only because of the coctails and the shots, i feel disgusted by myself. I'm not this girl. Who am I?...

wednesday

I did it again. My heart is empty. And my soul too. I slept a bit in the afternoon. Going to a party now but i don't have the mood, but i have to go. bye

I miss

I miss it so much :( I miss that pain, and I'm sick of the thought at the same time. save my soul...

days

Better day today. I wish every day would be like this. And haven't cut for more than a week. I'm proud of it.My mind is still a mess, but I'm used to it. still really scared of the future...I need a hug, I REALLY need it, but i won't get :( bye

gotta end

I can't do it anymore, everything is terrible, my sould aches, and I'm shaking, totally a mess.

why?

Feel like eating all the time. It's always in my mind. And that i can't! always thinking about how to eat less...Does it make any sense? I mean my life...This fucking fight against weight is killing me. And i can't tlk about it. I feel so pathetic when i talk about it.I know this whole thing is not important but for me it is! Cause I hate the pics in which I look like a cow. I won't be loved looking like that. Oh well, Ive never been kissed, never! but why? cause I look terrible and maybe other reasons too. I hate myself so much.

no title

Terrible day. My stomach aches, my period came much before it was supposed to come. That sucks! It can be because I'm nervous all the time, according to my psichologist. I was at her in the 6th lesson. I was so down, cause my friends ignored me whole day, were really mean and really cruel!! Sometimes i don't like them at all. I don't wanna see them anymore! I know they have problems too, but it's not a way to solve! So the psichologyst told me i gotta go to a special therapy group or to a specialist who can prescribe me antidepressants...I think I'll choose the second. But I'm so scared. I didn't know I am this ill.. I wanna feel good again, i hate my biopolarsm. And I'm so ashamed of it. Thanks god I have this blog where i can share it.

can't find a good title

Where do I belong to? To my "friends in school" who never wanna meet me, never invited me to their homes? or to some other "friends" who are obsessed with something (I don't wanna mention it) that I really don't care about...so where?? I feel so fucking lonely, and everything on me hurts. I always feel pain inside and outside too. I'm nervous all the time. I stopped eating again. No breakfast and dinner at all, and trying to eat less lunch. I know it's stupid, but i can't enjoy food at all and then why??!

Saturday

So, It's almost the end of the autumn holiday. I don't say it was the best break ever but not the worst eighter. I will probably meet a boy tomorrow, and I'm so nervous,cause i have never met him before, I hope it will be okay. I have more worries: have to think about where to study after high school, and it's so not easy to decide, and my mom keeps talking about it all the time. This is so frustrating -.- I would like to go to an island for a while to have a little chill without worries, far from everything bad.

confused

It's so weird to feel nothing. Lying in the bed, waiting for only a hug or even a nice word, but what i get is nothing. I don't know what to do, I want to get out of everything, but I'm not brave enough to change.

Halloween and Tuesday

I really like Halloween, so it would have been great to go to a Halloween party. We decided to go to a big party, but right before going, my friend said she doesn't want to and there were other problems too, so we couldn't go. It made me really sad and angry, and I inveted my good friend (call her D). So, we had fun, watching movies and eating snacks and being just crazy all night till 3 am. And today I went tripping to the forest with parents. it was really good. I like being in nature, watching the trees, taking pics, walking, it'sl ike leaving my problems at home.

Friday

A whole day alone in my room. Totally not fun. Big darkness inside. And i wasted the whole day.

Thursday

I think this Thursday was one of the worst ones. To be very natural and dark, it started and ended with bleeding. ( as the title sas I'm  just beinghonest) In the morning i realized i had the thing every mature girl has. I got some medicine and got better. In the school everyone was really down. We wrote an important test, and I totally failed. I'm so scared to know the result :(  After it I realized I can't talk Spanish, but the worst part of the day was when i went shopping. I chose a few clothes, and tried them on. But instead of me, the mirror showed a whale! Yes, I have to admit, I'm still fat. After I arrived at home, i started crying. nobody was at home, and it happened again...the  3rd occasion after stopping it for the whole summer...